Bras

So today we were shopping at Target and we were in the underwear section checking out bras for an unnamed female offspring. Caid asked me what a bra is for, and I said (vaguely), "It's something women need to wear."

Caid: "Why?

Me: "It helps support them."

Jack was studying (admiring?) the colors, textures, styles, and piped in, "I wish I could be a woman."

Oh wow. This is probably one of those posts he'll make me erase someday.

Made in China

On the way to school this morning, we had to stop at a gas station. Jack had to use the bathroom. It was a one-seater, so we went in together. As he was doing his business, he asked me if everybody pees out of a penis.

Me: "No, only boys do that."

Jack: "What do girls do then?"

I'll be honest here. I couldn't remember the name of the specific hole that a girl pees out of, which is probably okay because if he goes around 4K saying "urethra" and "vulva" I'm probably going to get a phone call. So I said, "Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina."

He thought for a minute, and then said, "Does that mean that all girls are made in China?"

Me (laughing): "No, girls are not made in China... well, wait, some girls are made in China, but not all girls."

Jack: "Were you made in China?"

Sigh.

Sex Ed for 5-year-olds

So a few weeks ago, Jack asked me how babies get out of their mommies' bellies. I don't make up special words for body parts. I said, "Mommies have a special hole in their bottoms called a vagina, and that's how the baby gets out."

So he asked me to see a photo. I told him I would find him one some time, and we dropped the subject.

Temporarily.

A few days later he asked me when I was going to show him a picture of that "pothole." "What?" I said.

Jack: "The pothole."

Me: "Pothole?"

Jack: "You know the pothole that the baby comes out of."

So I told him I'd show him soon. And we dropped the subject.

Temporarily.

I was getting ready to tuck Jack in one night, and he brought it up again. So I asked Aunt Kristen, who was on the internet, if while we were brushing his teeth she would find an age appropriate picture of a baby being born that we could show Jack. She did:

It's better than the first image that she selected which can be found here.

Jack laughed hysterically, and told Caid to come look at the "pothole." And Caid said, "Jack, that's not called a pothole... That's a Virginia."

And that ends our sex ed lesson for the day.

Forgiveness

Jack:  Mommy, is God still gonna forgive me and Caid?

 Me: Of course he is, Jackie. God always forgives you.

Jack: Well what if he forgets this time?

Things I never thought I'd hear myself say #1

"Don't hit your sister with a rubber chicken."

When Mommy is sick and Aunt Kristen takes the kids to church...

I'm sick today and stayed home from church. My "saint' of a sister took the kids to church for me and is now on her way home. I copied this from FB and don't know how to make it look pretty, but you can get the gist...

Kristen Sojourner

So this is the game: Which is your favorite: (insert four totally random objects)? Then debate why with car full of children, followed by being told how dumb that is. It's called Trip to Insane Island.

• You like this.
• • 
    

    Lauri SoJourner Yeargin Hey, I've played that game! Are you updating your FB while you drive my children?

A reasonable request

Caid: "Mom, will you teach me how to ride a two-wheeler?"

Me: "Sure."

Jack: "Mom, will you teach me how to ride an octopus?"

??????

Disclaimer

I have this child, whose name I won't mention, who has asked me to stop writing about her on my blog unless I get her express permission. So let the record show that I have deleted a couple of posts that apparently embarrassed her, have untagged her in a couple, and have agreed that I will ask permission to post her quotes from here on out. So if you notice that one of my kids gets a lot less press than the other three, it's not that I love her less or that she is less hilarious. It's just that I'm trying to respect her and keep the peace. I know at some point she'll bring this up and say I don't love her as much as the rest because I don't write about her, but I'm here to say she made me make this change. Her name starts with G, but that's the only hint I'm giving. And note that I'm not tagging her in this post. That's just the kind of mom I am.

Pressure!!

So this weekend, the kids and I've been invited to visit a friend of mine's farm to ride ponies, paddle boat, fish, swim, etc. We're all looking forward to it. The catch: she fully expect them to say "witty things full of humor and pathos" just as I have reported. I hope they don't let me (or her) down! This will be the one and only time they shut their mouths and behave themselves.

If I had a dollar for every person who didn't give me a million dollars...

Tonight, I played UNO with Gracie, Caid, Jack, and Aunt Kristen. Gracie won the second game, and (taking after her Aunt Kristen, who does not set a very good example), she gloated loudly. Jack got fed up, and punched her in the chest. Even I could tell that hurt.

Me: "Jack, it is never okay to hit your sister. You love Gracie. Do not hit her."

Jack: "Yeah, but she never even gives me a real million dollars."

Well, in that case, I guess we should all be punching Gracie.

I can see the resemblance

Jack: "Mom, you should go that way."

Me: "I don't want to go that way."

Jack: "Why not? Dad goes that way?"

Me: "Do I look like Dad?"

Jack: "Wellllll, yeah you do because you're bossy like Dad."

Super powers

I was thrilled yesterday that Sarah and Gracie were hanging out on the couch playing with Gracie's new guinea pig, and Caid and Jack were in my room playing superheros - even if that did mean they had pulled all the sheets and pillows off of my bed and several clean towels from the linen closet to make super houses and capes. In situations like this when they're getting along so well and all seems right with the world, it's best to just be quiet, listen, try not to be noticed. Here's what I heard....

Caid: "I can shoot bullets out of my fingers."

Jack: "Okay. And I can shoot lasers out of my eyes."

Caid: "Yeah! And I can shoot bombs out of my butt."

Truer words never spoken.

Church with a 4-year-old

In the middle of church today, Jack whispered loudly, "Mom, have I seen God before?"

Me: "Yes."

Jack [pause]: "Well, I don't remember what he looks like."

And then about 60 second later, he tapped me again and whispered, "Mom, when I'm 9 or 7 or 8, can I have a guinea pig?"

Shaving baby

My baby girl is growing up.This evening she shaved her legs for the first time.

Earlier today she came to me and said, "It's not fair. You let Sarah shave the summer before she went into fourth grade. Why won't you let me?"

Me: "You haven't asked me."

Her: "Oh. [pause] Well, can I?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh!"

So she shaved her legs (and a chunk of her finger in the process). She just came to sit beside me on the couch and, feeling her legs, said, "It's like my legs are a big chunk of butter. Now I know why Sarah admires her legs so much."

*Name removed to protect the innocent.

Distracted driving

We were driving to a 4th of July party and I needed to send a text, so I asked Gracie to send it for me.

Caid: "Why are you having Gracie text for you?"

Me: "Because it's not a good idea to text and drive."

Caid: "Why?"

Me: "Because you can't pay attention to the road well enough when your texting."

Caid: "Oh... Can you pay attention to the road when you're putting on your make-up?"

Mom schooled by a 6-year-old.

Apparently jammies are scary

Jack hates pajamas. He wears clothes to bed - blue jeans, shorts, dress pants, t-shirts, polos, whatever. Tonight after bath I suggested he try one of the many pairs of PJ's in his drawer. His response:

"I will wear pajamas when I'm older. I'll be ready to face the fear then."

I wonder how old is old enough to face the fear of jammies.

I can see the resemblance

Jack: "Mom, you should go that way."

Me: "I don't want to go that way."

Jack: "Why not? Dad goes that way."

Me: "Do I look like Dad?"

Jack: "Wellllll, yeah you do because you're bossy like Dad."

Sex Ed

Tonight Caid popped the question, the first in a series of more complicated questions to come...

C: "Mom, how do doctors get babies out of mommies' bellies?"

Me: "There is a special hole the babies come out of."

C: "Where is it? Like in your stomach or something?"

Me: "No, it's in a mommy's bottom. It's called a vagina."

C: (GIANT eyes, sinks back in chair.)

Me: "Was that too much information?"

C: "No. It's just, does the doctor have to look at you... down there?"

Below is a photo from an earlier sex ed lesson on our front porch.

A lesson in rhyming words

Jack (standing in front of the door): "Mommy, what's the password?"

Me: "Uh, I don't know. Can you give me a hint?"

Jack: "It rhymes with honey."

Me: "Funny."

Jack: "No."

Me: "Sunny."

Jack: "No."

Me: "Punny?"

Jack: "Uh-Uh."

Me: "Bunny?"

Jack: "No."

Me: "Money???"

Jack: "Nope."

Me: "Runny!"

Jack: "NO!"

Me: "Dunny?"

Jack: (shakes his head)

Me: "Can you give me another hint?"

Jack: "It's an animal."

Me: "It's an animal that rhymes with honey, and it's not 'bunny?'"

Jack: "No."

(30 seconds silence as we have a staring contest)

Me: "Oh! BEE!"

Jack: "YES!!!"

I think I need to get the boy a rhyming dictionary.

Heard 'round the house this Easter

Gracie: "Mom next time the Easter Bunny comes, can we get some whipped cream, because I'm pretty sure he likes whipped cream on his carrots... and then we can have the leftovers."

Caid: "So Mom, is the Easter Bunny really real, or is it just Jesus or something?"

Caid (after we wrote the Easter Bunny a letter): "Mom, since the Easter Bunny doesn't have opposable thumbs, we probably shouldn't expect him to write us back, right?"

And here's the letter:

Translation: 

Dear Mr. Easter Bunny, Happy Easter! 

Hope you are doing well!! Do you like Cadbury chocolate eggs? The commercial says that you do. We are looking forward to Easter because Easter is the day Jesus rose from the dead and Jesus is my home boiii. 

Happy Easter again, with love, 

Sarah, Gracie, Caid, Jack 

p.s. Write on the back

 Translation:

Hello Yeargin Family:
You have lots of questions - so here is my bullet list of answers:

1.My Bunny helpers are fine, and I hard at work. I don't call them minions.
2. I love Cadbury chocolate eggs! I love chocolate!
3. Remember, Jesus allowed himself to die for you so that you will have eternal life through Christ. I'm glad he is your Home Boy!!!
4. And Caid - you're right. I don't have opposable thumbs. But I am the Easter Bunny. I have magic, so I can write! You are a very smart boy! Best nice to your brother and sisters.

The Easter Bunny

PS Gracie, share the crazy beans! They are for everyone!

Also thanks for the carrot! That's my favorite snack!

He's probably scarred for life

The other night I woke up when my husband got in the bed. There were already two boys sleeping in bed with me. What a lucky woman I am. So D and I were having a private conversation - nothing X-rated mind you, but not appropriate for 4- and 6-year-old ears.

D: "I sure hope they aren't awake and listening to us."

I picked up Jack's arm and dropped it on the bed - evidence that he was oblivious to his surroundings. "Jack is definitely out."

D: "I think Caid is sound asleep too."

Me (whispering): "Caid, are you awake?"

No response.

Me (whispering): "Caid, would you like a lollipop?"

Caid immediately popped up: "A lollipop?"

Oops.

Self assurance

Jack: "Hey Mom, look at me... am I hot?"

Me: "Yes, you're hot."

Jack: "Are my teeth shiny?"

Me: "Yes, and that makes you very hot."

Wishing to be fired

Jack: "Dad, bring me some French fries."

Me: "Jack, Dad is not your servant. Go get your own French fries."

Jack: "Yes, he is. I haven't fired him yet."

Jack doesn't speak the language

At work this evening, a 3-year-old boy wanted Jack to play Star Wars with him. Reluctantly, he followed me to where the boy was leading. I returned to my seat, and a few minutes later Jack came back.

Jack: "I don't know what he's saying. I can't even speak 'baby talk.'"

Really, you were fluent just a few months ago. What happened?

One pea, two bites mashed potatoes, three bites meatloaf, and chocolate cake... that's balance

Jack: "Mom, can I have dessert now?"

Me: "Did you eat your peas?"

Jack: "Well, some of them."

Me: "How many?"

Jack: "I don't zactly remember."

Me: "Well, after that first one, did you eat any more?"

Jack: "No. Mom, just give me some cake now."

Lazy children

I think I could do a series of posts on excuses my children give for needing me to do their work.

Caid: "Mom, can you go get me some AA batteries?"

Me: "No, Caid, you go get them."

C: "But I don't really feel like getting up and getting them."

Me: "Well, I don't feel like it either, and you're the one who needs them."

C: "How do you know? Maybe Sarah needs them. Or maybe Shelley needs them. Even though she doesn't have opposable thumbs or anything."

Inspirational People (Step by step info on how to be a better person)... by Sarah Yeargin

My inspiration wrote a book about how to be a better person. Proud of my girl. Sarah gave me permission to post here but asked me to tell you it's copyrighted. She's planning to make her first million with this one. You saw it here first, and you can say "you knew her when..."

Ketchup counts too

Aunt Kristen: "Jack you should try at least one vegetable."

Jack: "Are potatoes a vegetable?"

Kristen: "Yes."

Jack: "Well, then I'll have chips."

Oh, well if you're bored...

Me: "Please don't climb on me right now."

Caid: "Why? I'm bored."

He's onto us

Aunt Kristen made us yummy beef stew tonight, and Jack refused to try it.

(Remembering a scene from one of the best movies ever) Me: "Jackie, can you show us how the piggies eat?"

Jack: "What? Oh, I'm not falling for that one."

A few months ago it worked.

He's hot!

Jack was sick the other day. When I got home from work yesterday, I gave him a hug. He said, "Mommy, am I still hot?"

Me: "No, you don't feel hot to me."

Jack: "I mean, am I still hot like [boy Sarah likes]?"

My husband told me this from the day before:

Jack (lying in bed): "Dad, I'm hot."


D: "Well, take off the covers."


Jack: "Not that kind of hot. I'm hot like [boy Sarah likes]!"

Making room for more...

Caid: "I'm starving. All I ate was 3 plates with 2 pieces of pizza each."

Me: "There's no way you can still be hungry if you just ate 6 pieces of pizza."

Caid (pause for one beat): "Oh, I just went to the bathroom."

Emphatically no

Me: "So did you talk to [boy you like] today?"

Sarah (nonchalantly): "No."

Danny: "What's up? Do you not like [boy you like] any more?"

Sarah: "Heck to the no! I still like him."

You're the servant

Jack: "Daddy bring me a drink."

Danny: "No, you come get it."

Jack: "But you're the servant of everybody."

(Danny wants everyone to know that for the record, he did not get the drink.)

Delirious children on the trampoline

Jumping Jack

Sarah gets her head stuck in the trampoline

I was told my assistance was needed, so of course I grabbed the camera...

In spite of what you might think, I am not God

Caid: "Mom, if God made everything, who made God?"

Me: "Um, I don't know. God just is. He was just there."

Caid: "Oh, so he just appeared and made everything?"

Me: "Yeah, I guess?"

Jack: "Why did God make everything?"

Me: "I guess he was bored and lonely. I don't know. He's just God. He can do what he wants to."

Caid: "What's tae-kwon-do?"

Me: "It's sort of like karate."

Jack: "Like kung fu?"

Me: "Yes, sort of. I think."

Caid: "Isn't Jack too young to do tae-kwon-do? I think it's too violent for him."

Me: "I think he'll be okay."

Jack: "Why is it called a Master?"

Caid: "Do you think he'll get hurt?"

Me: "A what? No, he'll be fine."

Jack: "Why is it a Master?"

Me: "What in tae-kwon-do? I don't know. That's just what they call it."

Caid: "Jack! Mom doesn't know everything. She's not God. If she was God she would know the answer."

Well, if you really cannot....

Danny: "Jack, when we get home you need to take a bath."

(silence.......)

Jack: "I am sorry Dad, but I cannot take a bath."

If Jesus and Mario got in a fight, who would win?

The other day Sarah and Jack were playing Super Mario on Wii.

Jack: "Sarah, you have super skills at Mario."

Sarah: "Thanks, Jack."

(a few moments of silence)

Jack: "Jesus has super skills too."

Ms. Tracy and Ms. Sue will be so proud! I know I am...

Point well taken

Me: "I'll be there in a minute."

Sarah: "Can you make it like a minute a minute, not like one of your minutes?"

(I better hurry - I think my minute's up!)

That must hurt

Caid: "Every time I sit up it feels like my brains are going to run out of my head, and I don't want to forget anything!"

She gave me permission to post this

Sarah has a crush on a boy. He is the subject of pretty much every conversation in our house. She has "liked" him for four months unceasingly. She finally spoke to him on Saturday. It was a very big day.

I've not posted anything about this previously because I didn't want to embarrass Sarah, but she really did give me permission on this one.

Gracie: "I sat next to __ today."

Sarah: "I know."

Gracie: "I heard him sing."

Sarah: (SQUEAL!!) "Really?? Can he sing?"

Gracie: "Yes."

Sarah: "I knew it!"

(silence)

Gracie: "Oh - you meant can he sing good?"

What part of "no" don't you understand?

Jack: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Would you like crackers?"

Jack: "No."

Me: "Would you like grapes?"

Jack: "No."

Me: "Well what would you like?"

Jack: "Ice cream."

Me: "No, you've already had dessert."

Jack: "But I want ice cream."

Me: "No."

Jack: "But I just want a wittle bit."

Me: "I said no."

Jack: "Pwease."

Me: "No Jack."

Jack: "But I said just a wittle bit."

Me: "And I said no."

Jack: "Pwease."

Me: "No."

Jack: "But I just want a teeny tiny bit."

Me: "No."

Jack: "But I just want a inch."

Chick peas fill the sky

On our way to church this morning, the Toby Keith song "Bullets in the Gun"  was on the radio. 

 

She fired that old pistol
But we didn't stand a prayer
Money hit the gravel
Bullets filled the air, yeah

Never see it comin'
It just hits you by surprise
It's that cold place in your soul
And that fire in her eyes

Sarah asked what a certain word was, and I said "bullets." From the back seat Gracie said, "Oh I always thought it was hummus."

Priceless

I am out of town at a conference and had to call home collect tonight because I'm having cell phone issues (the issue being that I dropped my phone on the sidewalk and now the keys don't work). I told Danny I needed to speak to the kids quickly because we were probably spending a dollar a minute on the call. Here is me trying to get off the phone with Jack...

"Okay, Jackie, I love you."

J: "I love you too. Well, I wanted to tell you something."

Me: "Okay, tell me."

J: "I wanted to tell you what we had for dinner."

Me: "Okay, tell me" (tick tick tick $$$)

J: "Well, we had chili."

Me: "That's great. Okay, I love you."

Jack: "Well.... well... well, what's 2 + 2?"

Me: "4."

Jack: "Well, do you know what 4 + 3 is?"

Me: "7."

J: "Oh."

Me; "Any other questions?" (tick tick tick $$$)

J: "Well, I love you."

Me: "I love you too. Bye now."

J: "Okay, bye. I love you."

 

Awwww, he loves me!!! Probably cost me $20, but it's priceless.

 

Holding a grudge

Jack: "Caid ruined my first birthday when I was three."

(Huh?)

Me: "How did he do that?"

Jack: "He blew out my candles."

He loves me more

Jack: "Mommy, I love you."

Me: "I love you too."

J: "I love you more."

Me: "More than bacon?"

J: "No, not more than bacon."

Me: "Oh?"

J: "But I love you more than puppies."

Embarrassing!

This from the 4-year-old who lives on a subsistence of noodles, rice, grits, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, french fries, and ketchup...

Jack: "Gracie, you're embarrassing!"

Gracie: "Why?"

Jack: "You eat carrots!! Gracie, you're crazy."

Why she doesn't eat Bambi

Sarah: "I don't eat cute things. It's against my policy."