It's hereditary

Jack (after removing his shirt at the dinner table): Why am I so sexy?

Me (shaking my head): I don't know where you came from.

Gracie: Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

Daniel: And they go to a party...

Gracie: And then they get drunk...



Oh my, I need to rethink things I say that I don't think my children will understand or remember.

Video: Jack shakes the booty - an exercise tutorial

Video: I'm eating and I know it

Video: I'm flossing and I know it

Autographs only

Sarah: Jack, you're just so cute, can I have a hug so I can absorb your cuteness?

Jack: EWWWW...  NO YOU CAN HAVE AN AUTOGRAPH BUT NOT A HUG!!!! 

Dress shopping

The scene: dress shopping with Sarah and Gracie. Sarah invites us into her dressing room to give feedback on the dress she is trying on.

Me: Uh, no. You are showing too many boobs.

Sarah: I only have two. How many am I supposed to show?

Gracie: Wait. That's all I have. Are you supposed to have more than two? I think I'm broken.

I like big butts, and I cannot lie!

Sarah (to Daniel and Jack): Do these jeans make my butt look big?

Daniel and Jack: No!

Later...

Sarah: Jack, you know it's a good thing for a girl to have a big butt?

Jack: Oh, that's good because I was lying earlier when I said your butt didn't look big.

When you have done it to the least of these...

Last night, Jack brought me a Ziploc baggie full of coins: Mom, I want to donate this money to charity.

Me: Wow, Jack that is really awesome. I'm so proud of you. What charity would you like to donate your money to?

Jack: Oh, I don't know. I guess I'll give it to the hobos. Do you know any hobos?

I don't know any hobos personally, but I told him that tomorrow I'm going to visit a place tomorrow that helps hobos and that I could give them his money. He said, "Okay, just tell them it's from Jack." Then he wrote this note to give to the hobos:

"You're welcome. Jack Ross Yeargin"

Halloween persistence

Jack: My (Halloween) bag is getting full, but I'm not going to stop until I'm satisfied.

Angry Birds

Jack: Mom, why did you take Angry Birds off your phone?

Me: Because it was taking up too much space.

Jack: But it's only one little square.

How Jack got borned

Jack: Which one do I need more? You or Dad?

Me: You need us both the same.

Jack: No, but which one do I need more?

Me: You need us exactly the same.

Jack: Well, I think I need you more because without you I couldn't have been borned.

Me: It took both me and Dad for you to get born.

Gracie: Well, it took both of them, but Mom had to do all the work.

Queens

Jack: You are the best mommy in the whole world. You are the queen of all mommies.

Me: Awww, thanks, Jackie.

Jack: Yeah, and Dad is the queen of daddies.

(And for the record, he says Sam and Louis are the king of all cousins.)

I swear we talk about more than sex at my house

Jack: I have a question.

Me: What is it?

Gracie: It better not be, "Where do babies come from?" Because if it is, the answer is Jupiter.

Jack: No it's not! Mom, where do babies come from?

Gracie: Jupiter!

Jack: No, Mom, really... where do they come from?

Me: Babies come from mommies and daddies.

Jack: But not really from daddies.

Me: Well, mommies and daddies make them, and then they live in the mommy's belly.

Jack: Yeah, and then they come from their GINAS!

Gracie: You should have just said Jupiter.

Jack: I'm going to go get Sarah to ask ChaCha where babies come from.

Google is stalking me

I've been working on my blog for the first time in awhile. I scrolled down and noticed that in the spot where I used to have a page hit counter, it said "serotonin reuptake inhibitor." What the heck? Is Blogspot snooping in my medicine cabinet?

I have a new counter now. Full disclosure, I started the count at 9253, which is a legitimate number according to my Blogspot stats... even if my mom and I account for 9000 of those.

More sex ed at the Vicarage

Daniel (Caid): Mom, how did you have Jack?

Sarah: Well, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much...

Gracie: And then they go to a party...

Me: And have too much to drink...

(Oh my goodness, did I really say that? Jack, I love you, and I'm not a bit sorry I had too much to drink that night.)

I keep forgetting he can read so well now

Daniel (Caid) looking over my shoulder last night at an inappropriate cartoon: "Wow, Mom. I didn't know you do cool stuff when you're on the internet."

Planning for my grandchildren

I don't even know how we got on the topic at dinner.

Jack: I want to only have one kid. No wait. I want to have two. But they're going to be twins. Because I only want to do it one time.

Sarah: Oh Jack, you'll change your mind one day.

Ahhhhh!!!!!

Ummm....

Jack wants to know my favorite thing with electricity... Do batteries count?

True love

Jack: I love you so much. I love you more than anything. Wait. I love you and Dad the same amount. And also tacos and Cow.

Me: You love me and Dad the same as you love tacos and Cow?
 
J: Yes and also the same as strawberries, bananas, and Kool Aid Jammers. (Pause) Because I want to be healthy.
 
Glad to know I rate up there with tacos and Kool Aid Jammers.

At the dentist

Dental Hygienist: Your gums wouldn't bleed if you would floss more.

Sarah: My gums wouldn't bleed if you'd quit poking them with pointy things.

She has a very good point.

Well I do like whiskey

When I was growing up I had friends named Chip and Dale Pittman. Mrs. Pittman told me Chip was three months old before she realized she'd named her kids Chip and Dale, and I always thought it was crazy she didn't know she did that.

Two years ago Daniel Kincaid Yeargin, who we have always called Caid, told us he wanted to be called Daniel because according to him "Caid is not actually a name." I told him I would call him Daniel if he got other people to do it.

Well, this summer at camp he stood up with his counselor and told 200 people he was no longer to be called Caid, but Daniel. So I have agreed to try it - in spite of the fact that his father and siblings refuse.

He and Jack came with me to dinner at the conference center the other night, and I introduced them to the group: "This is Jack and Daniel... Oh my God - I named my children Jack Daniel!"

It only took me almost five years to realize I did that.

Lent

Gracie and Caid were debating what they should give up for Lent the other day. This was about eight days into Lent, mind you. Jack overheard them and piped in, "I'm going to give up monster trucks for Lent."

Me: "Oh, I guess that's a good idea."

Jack: "And xylophones."

Me: "Xylophones?"

Jack: "Yeah... because I'm too old for xylophones anyway."

Jokes by Jack

Jack: "How do you confuse a dad?"

Me: "I don't know, how?"

Jack: "You hit him with a tree."

Me: laughing

Jack: "How do you confuse a dad again?"

Me: "I don't know, how?"

Jack: "You hit him with a mackerel."

The question game with Jack

Jack just came in and sat on my lap and began asking questions...

J: "Are aliens real?"

Me: "No."

J: "Are martians real?"

Me: "No."

J: "Are robot dogs real?"

Me: "Ummm.... I don't think so."

J: "Are buttons to destroy the world real?" (What TV shows is he watching?)

Me: "No. Definitely not."

J: "Whose father will I be?"

Me: "Your child's."

J: "Whose grandfather will I be?"

Me: "When your child has a child, you'll be their grandfather."

J: "Oh, so I'll be a grandfather when my child has a child?"

Me: "That's right."

I guess that satisfied him because then he jumped down and ran off.

Y chromosomes vs X chromosomes

Tonight Sarah had a girls vs boys basketball scrimmage. It made me smile that Jack rooted for the girls' team because, "Sarah's my family!" (Caid's loyalty is with the Y chromosome.)

Conversation overheard:

Parent of boy: "S, get a layup in the next quarter, or you won't get dinner."

Parent of girl: " Yeah, K, get a layup in the next quarter or you won't get dinner either."

K: "But I already ate dinner."

Struck me as hilarious.

Also overheard after a girl fumbled the ball (can you fumble in basketball???): "She had too much lotion on her hands."

In spite of the fact that most of the girls' team has played together for three years and in that team has only lost one game, they were soundly beaten soundly by the boys (I believe the final score was 36-5 but whose keeping track?). However, on the way home Sarah, Gracie, Jack, and I all swore to Caid that the girls won in the last few minutes of the game and how could he have missed those great plays. Drove him nuts and he was thoroughly confused.