Lent

Gracie and Caid were debating what they should give up for Lent the other day. This was about eight days into Lent, mind you. Jack overheard them and piped in, "I'm going to give up monster trucks for Lent."

Me: "Oh, I guess that's a good idea."

Jack: "And xylophones."

Me: "Xylophones?"

Jack: "Yeah... because I'm too old for xylophones anyway."

Jokes by Jack

Jack: "How do you confuse a dad?"

Me: "I don't know, how?"

Jack: "You hit him with a tree."

Me: laughing

Jack: "How do you confuse a dad again?"

Me: "I don't know, how?"

Jack: "You hit him with a mackerel."

The question game with Jack

Jack just came in and sat on my lap and began asking questions...

J: "Are aliens real?"

Me: "No."

J: "Are martians real?"

Me: "No."

J: "Are robot dogs real?"

Me: "Ummm.... I don't think so."

J: "Are buttons to destroy the world real?" (What TV shows is he watching?)

Me: "No. Definitely not."

J: "Whose father will I be?"

Me: "Your child's."

J: "Whose grandfather will I be?"

Me: "When your child has a child, you'll be their grandfather."

J: "Oh, so I'll be a grandfather when my child has a child?"

Me: "That's right."

I guess that satisfied him because then he jumped down and ran off.

Y chromosomes vs X chromosomes

Tonight Sarah had a girls vs boys basketball scrimmage. It made me smile that Jack rooted for the girls' team because, "Sarah's my family!" (Caid's loyalty is with the Y chromosome.)

Conversation overheard:

Parent of boy: "S, get a layup in the next quarter, or you won't get dinner."

Parent of girl: " Yeah, K, get a layup in the next quarter or you won't get dinner either."

K: "But I already ate dinner."

Struck me as hilarious.

Also overheard after a girl fumbled the ball (can you fumble in basketball???): "She had too much lotion on her hands."

In spite of the fact that most of the girls' team has played together for three years and in that team has only lost one game, they were soundly beaten soundly by the boys (I believe the final score was 36-5 but whose keeping track?). However, on the way home Sarah, Gracie, Jack, and I all swore to Caid that the girls won in the last few minutes of the game and how could he have missed those great plays. Drove him nuts and he was thoroughly confused.

Bras

So today we were shopping at Target and we were in the underwear section checking out bras for an unnamed female offspring. Caid asked me what a bra is for, and I said (vaguely), "It's something women need to wear."

Caid: "Why?

Me: "It helps support them."

Jack was studying (admiring?) the colors, textures, styles, and piped in, "I wish I could be a woman."

Oh wow. This is probably one of those posts he'll make me erase someday.

Made in China

On the way to school this morning, we had to stop at a gas station. Jack had to use the bathroom. It was a one-seater, so we went in together. As he was doing his business, he asked me if everybody pees out of a penis.

Me: "No, only boys do that."

Jack: "What do girls do then?"

I'll be honest here. I couldn't remember the name of the specific hole that a girl pees out of, which is probably okay because if he goes around 4K saying "urethra" and "vulva" I'm probably going to get a phone call. So I said, "Boys have a penis, and girls have a vagina."

He thought for a minute, and then said, "Does that mean that all girls are made in China?"

Me (laughing): "No, girls are not made in China... well, wait, some girls are made in China, but not all girls."

Jack: "Were you made in China?"

Sigh.

Sex Ed for 5-year-olds

So a few weeks ago, Jack asked me how babies get out of their mommies' bellies. I don't make up special words for body parts. I said, "Mommies have a special hole in their bottoms called a vagina, and that's how the baby gets out."

So he asked me to see a photo. I told him I would find him one some time, and we dropped the subject.

Temporarily.

A few days later he asked me when I was going to show him a picture of that "pothole." "What?" I said.

Jack: "The pothole."

Me: "Pothole?"

Jack: "You know the pothole that the baby comes out of."

So I told him I'd show him soon. And we dropped the subject.

Temporarily.

I was getting ready to tuck Jack in one night, and he brought it up again. So I asked Aunt Kristen, who was on the internet, if while we were brushing his teeth she would find an age appropriate picture of a baby being born that we could show Jack. She did:

It's better than the first image that she selected which can be found here.

Jack laughed hysterically, and told Caid to come look at the "pothole." And Caid said, "Jack, that's not called a pothole... That's a Virginia."

And that ends our sex ed lesson for the day.

Forgiveness

Jack:  Mommy, is God still gonna forgive me and Caid?

 Me: Of course he is, Jackie. God always forgives you.

Jack: Well what if he forgets this time?

Things I never thought I'd hear myself say #1

"Don't hit your sister with a rubber chicken."

When Mommy is sick and Aunt Kristen takes the kids to church...

I'm sick today and stayed home from church. My "saint' of a sister took the kids to church for me and is now on her way home. I copied this from FB and don't know how to make it look pretty, but you can get the gist...

Kristen Sojourner

So this is the game: Which is your favorite: (insert four totally random objects)? Then debate why with car full of children, followed by being told how dumb that is. It's called Trip to Insane Island.

• You like this.
• • 
    

    Lauri SoJourner Yeargin Hey, I've played that game! Are you updating your FB while you drive my children?

A reasonable request

Caid: "Mom, will you teach me how to ride a two-wheeler?"

Me: "Sure."

Jack: "Mom, will you teach me how to ride an octopus?"

??????

Disclaimer

I have this child, whose name I won't mention, who has asked me to stop writing about her on my blog unless I get her express permission. So let the record show that I have deleted a couple of posts that apparently embarrassed her, have untagged her in a couple, and have agreed that I will ask permission to post her quotes from here on out. So if you notice that one of my kids gets a lot less press than the other three, it's not that I love her less or that she is less hilarious. It's just that I'm trying to respect her and keep the peace. I know at some point she'll bring this up and say I don't love her as much as the rest because I don't write about her, but I'm here to say she made me make this change. Her name starts with G, but that's the only hint I'm giving. And note that I'm not tagging her in this post. That's just the kind of mom I am.

Pressure!!

So this weekend, the kids and I've been invited to visit a friend of mine's farm to ride ponies, paddle boat, fish, swim, etc. We're all looking forward to it. The catch: she fully expect them to say "witty things full of humor and pathos" just as I have reported. I hope they don't let me (or her) down! This will be the one and only time they shut their mouths and behave themselves.

If I had a dollar for every person who didn't give me a million dollars...

Tonight, I played UNO with Gracie, Caid, Jack, and Aunt Kristen. Gracie won the second game, and (taking after her Aunt Kristen, who does not set a very good example), she gloated loudly. Jack got fed up, and punched her in the chest. Even I could tell that hurt.

Me: "Jack, it is never okay to hit your sister. You love Gracie. Do not hit her."

Jack: "Yeah, but she never even gives me a real million dollars."

Well, in that case, I guess we should all be punching Gracie.

I can see the resemblance

Jack: "Mom, you should go that way."

Me: "I don't want to go that way."

Jack: "Why not? Dad goes that way?"

Me: "Do I look like Dad?"

Jack: "Wellllll, yeah you do because you're bossy like Dad."

Super powers

I was thrilled yesterday that Sarah and Gracie were hanging out on the couch playing with Gracie's new guinea pig, and Caid and Jack were in my room playing superheros - even if that did mean they had pulled all the sheets and pillows off of my bed and several clean towels from the linen closet to make super houses and capes. In situations like this when they're getting along so well and all seems right with the world, it's best to just be quiet, listen, try not to be noticed. Here's what I heard....

Caid: "I can shoot bullets out of my fingers."

Jack: "Okay. And I can shoot lasers out of my eyes."

Caid: "Yeah! And I can shoot bombs out of my butt."

Truer words never spoken.

Church with a 4-year-old

In the middle of church today, Jack whispered loudly, "Mom, have I seen God before?"

Me: "Yes."

Jack [pause]: "Well, I don't remember what he looks like."

And then about 60 second later, he tapped me again and whispered, "Mom, when I'm 9 or 7 or 8, can I have a guinea pig?"

Shaving baby

My baby girl is growing up.This evening she shaved her legs for the first time.

Earlier today she came to me and said, "It's not fair. You let Sarah shave the summer before she went into fourth grade. Why won't you let me?"

Me: "You haven't asked me."

Her: "Oh. [pause] Well, can I?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "Oh!"

So she shaved her legs (and a chunk of her finger in the process). She just came to sit beside me on the couch and, feeling her legs, said, "It's like my legs are a big chunk of butter. Now I know why Sarah admires her legs so much."

*Name removed to protect the innocent.

Distracted driving

We were driving to a 4th of July party and I needed to send a text, so I asked Gracie to send it for me.

Caid: "Why are you having Gracie text for you?"

Me: "Because it's not a good idea to text and drive."

Caid: "Why?"

Me: "Because you can't pay attention to the road well enough when your texting."

Caid: "Oh... Can you pay attention to the road when you're putting on your make-up?"

Mom schooled by a 6-year-old.

Apparently jammies are scary

Jack hates pajamas. He wears clothes to bed - blue jeans, shorts, dress pants, t-shirts, polos, whatever. Tonight after bath I suggested he try one of the many pairs of PJ's in his drawer. His response:

"I will wear pajamas when I'm older. I'll be ready to face the fear then."

I wonder how old is old enough to face the fear of jammies.